Loved him as a human being. Loved him more as a soul who made millions of other souls chuckled or laughed until their stomachs hurt. I know a lot about depression because I was clinically depressed once. I had all of the signs except for the suicidal tendencies but I did want to leave my life. I just wanted to walk out of my body and reality and become someone else. I wanted to run away.
I didn’t know at the time who or what could fix me and I don’t know what could’ve helped soulful Robin choose differently or anyone who chooses to leave the planet this way. But pondering about Robin, I remembered what drove me to be well nearly twenty years ago. What was the fuel behind me getting better without the use of antidepressants or without me thinking about the end the way Robin thought about the end. My fuel was my children. I wanted to be better for them. I wanted them to have a better mom. And I wanted to fix this just in case one day if they ever encounter life so hopeless, I can say, mom knows exactly what you’re going through and I am here for you.
As I think back to nearly two decades ago, that was the start of my happiness climb. I grabbed my happiness ladder with every might I had left in me to be better for my children. That was the beginning of Climbing Your Happiness Ladder: Shedding the Unfulfilled, Disconnected You. Why some of us choose to go this way and why some choose to fight is a question that cannot be answered because every soul is uniquely wired. What worked for me might not work for you or Robin. But if you can find something, something to charge your battery so your light doesn’t totally go out will move you further away from the hopefulness that depression brings on and closer to hope.
What can be your fuel today so the next hour of your life feels a little lighter and your tomorrow be a little brighter for you? What can ease your mind and take you away from your reality for a moment? Take the step. You’re like a baby learning to walk again. You will stagger and stumble but keep getting up. Find something or someone to hold on to before you hit the ground. Your legs will become strong again and know that it is okay to stumble and start over until you can totally stand on your own. You are loved and appreciated even though you don’t feel that way right now. You just can’t see it this minute but one day your eyes will reopen to that love and appreciation that you couldn’t see when your eyes were closed. Every step counts in mental illness. Every smile you crack in this moment invites the emotion of happiness in. It is not to be entirely happy in the next moment. It is a process that develops over time. Keep on getting up, keep on trying until you can stand firm again.
Robin Williams, I respect your choice to leave us and how you chose to do it was entirely up to you. We are just having a hard time because we loved and appreciated you so much. I just wished you felt how much we adored you.
Take Care My Brother,